When will I know I have finally arrived?

So I haven’t been actually writing enough on this page. Sure, I post at least 4-5 times a week, but I mean actually writing like I used to, some extended commentary on something that catches my fancy. So I intend on trying to do that at least once a week & we’ll see what happens. To that end, I watched Funny People last night at the Arclight Dome in Hollywood (the best place in the world to see a movie) & it’s theme of having loved & lost led me down a familiar path. After this there will be some spoilers. If you haven’t seen the movie & intend to then maybe you don’t want to read this.

That being said the prevailing plot is basically about a famous comedian who finds out he has a serious illness & in that sense of reflection, that inevitably comes near the end of ones life, he realizes that he really screwed things up when he cheated on his fiance 12 years previously. I encountered something similar in one of my relationships. Though, the circumstances are slightly different, the underlying concept is still the same. I was with a girl for 5 years & I too cheated on her. It was only until later that I fully realized that mistake that I’d made, but by then it was too late, irreparable damage done.

I spoke to her only on a few other occasions, mostly to tell me what a jerk I was & she had every right to be angry. I violated a sacred trust between two people, a trust that says I’m with you & you alone. I still feel that pain in the depths of my soul. I don’t dwell on it or get too introspective about it as I once did. The whole, “what could I have done better thing?” has long since passed me by, not cheating would’ve been a good place to start. I made some pretty awful mistakes, mistakes made by a 28 year old kid with an over-inflated sense of self importance & arrogance. Knowing, however, is only half the battle. It’s how you learn from these mistakes that helps you on the path.

My mother tells me her definition of crazy all the time. “It’s doing the same thing over and over again & expecting a different result.” Life will cripple you if you let it. The trick is to not let it, but to deal with it & move on. I’ve heard the cliche saying “Life is a Journey” but I choose to think of life as a series of vignettes. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, it’s like I’m a different character played by the same person. The issue I take with Funny People is that the lead character has not progressed, he has not evolved. He is the same person he was 12 years ago only lonelier. It’s not that I forget about the things I’ve done, they’re neatly filed away in my brain under things of utter consequence.

I pride myself on realizing my life is going in a direction now that, while I know not where it will end up, is a direction nevertheless that I can see turning out well. Music has helped my evolution as this vignette carries me forward towards the next. It has helped me through tragedy & idiocy & who knows what this vignette would be like had it not been for the savior I call Music.

Where to Begin – My Morning Jacket

Close to Me (Closet Remix) – The Cure

Wings – Josh Ritter

December Nights – AJ Roach

That Certain Female – Charlie Feathers

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